The 400k people I had following me weren’t my “friends”, they were people looking to be entertained. “My people” weren’t “my people”, they were there to laugh. One day, it hit me: people don’t like *me*, they like what I do for them. I knew people liked being entertained so that was really the only part I allowed myself to show.
I knew that I could cover up the pain by showcasing *only* the good parts of me. For years, I played the “class clown”, the “jester” archetype, and later on became an “entertainer” on social media. Right about when I solidified that I didn’t belong was when I started deeply studying psychology + sociology so that I could become likable. This feeling of being the only one without her “people” lasted all through middle school, high school, and my short few months in college-partially dropping out because, once again, I didn’t feel like I belonged. And I didn’t feel like I belonged since the day I walked into middle school and everyone seemed to have “their people” except for me.